Sensei's Notebook

When Lightning Strikes Heaven Touches Earth

Roschele Wagoner

 

I remember observing my first Aikido class. I thought...wow I can barely hear the sensei talk. I wondered why they were laughing during training. Does the sensei always smile? In my previous martial art I had been accustomed to loud kias, kicks and punches. Serious training...with serious faces. Still, I was intrigued and decided to train in Aikido. Initially, I was bored...craving to do just one snap kick or mawasi. Really, I was just frustrated that I was not “getting” the techniques of Aikido. I committed to six months and believed I would search for another martial art thereafter. That is, until my sensei told me to begin training for my 5th kyu.

“The projection of spirit must have the sharpened focus of a sword's blade.” ~ Raso Hultgren Sensei

I will feel my brown belt wrapped around my waist for three more days. It was passed down to me from my dear friend in Alaska, where I began my path in Aikido. My dojo in Alaska has a wall of windows with views of the stunning Chugach mountain range. While training I had the fortune to watch the sun rise and set over the mountains, the alpenglow illuminates the snowy peaks, and I would often study the range and decide the next peak to climb. Aikido brought me the priceless gift of my Aikido family whom I love deeply. It has provided me a way to foster peace, happiness, acceptance of self, and hopefully, to become a better human being

“You must never accept the full force of a hit. There are those that will take the strike so they can strike back.” ~ Sensei Koshiyama

I left my Aikido Alaska family to return to the Pacific Northwest and joined a new dojo...a new Aikido community. I was not the respected uke I had been at my quaint little dojo with the mountain views and a handful of Shodans. I was now one of many brown belts, at a much larger dojo, traffic speeding by, and seemingly almost half of the members being, at the least, shodans. I quietly, yet fiercely, questioned everything and felt solid in nothing. The learning curve was intense and frustration with myself at its peak

“Don’t push the mountain, you will never win.” ~ Frank Doran Shihan

Shortly after my 1st kyu test I began to resent Aikido. I resented the “sacrifices” I had to make to allow Aikido room in my schedule. I resented that I lived in a city so I could be near a dojo I liked. I questioned why I was spending so much of my free time training? What purpose was it serving me? Was this really what O Sensei had envisioned? Hence, I trained sporadically, at best, for a few months, during which, I lost my center and my life became out of balance. Thankfully, the alluring seduction of Aikido enticed me back to the dojo. When I returned, I knew I would never leave again.

“Be strong like a mountain, flowing like a river.” ~ O Sensei

I accepted the invitation to scrutinize the dark places within myself and let them unravel in preparation for shodan. I also accepted the invitation to see the light places and heal as much as possible in the process. I so wanted to diffuse the charge of self-scrutiny and recognize the jewels and richness of my soul. Every second is new and I have the capacity to transmute that which no longer serves me. I have studied the Native American path for several years and believe that as I heal, I do so not only for myself, but for the seven generations behind and the seven generations yet to come. The dojo provides a beautiful platform to allow this to happen.

“Invite love and affection, displace anger and fear.”
~ Kimberly Richardson Sensei.

I was unclear of the methodology that I should adapt to prepare for my demonstration. I simply trained and trusted I would figure it out. I felt the immersion into the exam process would be the perfect antidote to my recent “break up." I was disillusioned by love and raw from heart break. I was able to find hope and peace for the hours that I trained.

“Do not look upon this world with fear and loathing. Bravely face whatever the gods offer.” ~ O Sensei

I kept the voice of self-doubt to a minimal whisper until the final month before my demonstration at which point, it began to scream at me. Until then I welcomed and thanked uke for showing me when I did not execute a technique properly. I even laughed when I would get an elbow in the side or atemi in the face as a reminder of improper positioning. Interestingly, those same critiques brought forth immense frustration during that last month. Days before my test I was at my limit and felt I could not endure one more day of being scrutinized. I was hypersensitive to touch, to movement and to words. At times, I wanted to simply walk off the mat, retreat and disconnect. I craved for this demonstration to be over, yet believed I was not ready. I did not stay true to O Sensei words, “Always train in the spirit of joyful exhilaration".

“In Aikido we always have the choice, to preserve or destroy.”
~ Frank Doran Shihan

I have deep gratitude for the kindness my ukes offer in holding the mirrors so that I may see the reflection of my true self. I strive for impeccability in all that I do and have been relentless and unforgiving with myself since I can remember. I have the opportunity to transform this self-torture to tenderness and compassion. By dissipating my shadow self I give hope to be in the deep peace of purely who I am without apologies, explanation or hesitation. If I change it on the mat I believe I change it in my life and may propel myself into a new way of being.

“The space, behind the space, behind the space. The goal is to always be in the right place at the right time.” ~ Kimberly Richardson Sensei

It is perplexing to me how extreme opposites coexist. The opposing forces of hope and despair, entropy and syntropy, love and fear, anxiety and calm, depression and bliss. The beauty is that one cannot exist independently of the other. We choose where we want to live. This duality also exists in Aikido. It is demanding yet forgiving. We ground into the earth while extending our hands into the heavens. We expand and contract, we send our spirit forward while moving back, we are solid yet fluid, we simultaneously move clockwise and counter clockwise. I have learned that the power of the triangle, circle and square is immense. That the mat is floating and extends far below and above what is seen, that time is the space in between the tick and the tock, and the shadow is faster than the lightning. I believe my body has the potential to act as the hourglass and be the bridge between heaven and earth, to be the lightning bolt, to be the mountain, to be the flowing river. O Sensei embodied the properties of ether where he is everywhere and nowhere at once and travels undetected through time and space. I aspire to learn the mysteries of Aikido and embody its liquid and piercing elements.

“The quickness (of a movement) happens from being small, precise, and relaxed. You never let your partner know the intent of what you are about to do." ~ Sensei Koshiyama

I seek solace in the dojo that brings me ever closer to finding solace in myself. I hold deep gratitude for all those who have offered their insights, time, humility, and supported the continuous evolution of my spirit. Aikido has forever changed the course of my life and I am excited to see what’s in store when I step into my hakama.

“Don’t look where you’ve been, look where you’re going.
~ Frank Doran Shihan